The Frost was Cruel
by RemusJ
Summary: Tonks' New Year's Eve while Remus is underground.


Prompts:

Good King Wenceslas looked out on the Feast of Stephen,  
When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even.  
Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel,  
When a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fuel.

- Good King Wenceslas - John M. Neale

Author's Notes: A big thank you to my beta reader, shieldwolf

Nymphadora Tonks got out of bed New Year's Eve morning with a sigh of resignation. She was going to have to spend the evening with her parents. There was no way around it. She had avoided them at Christmas, telling them that she'd just had too much work to do for her to be able to enjoy herself. At first, her mother had protested, but knowing she was not going to win the argument with her headstrong daughter, Andromeda had eventually acquiesced, only on the condition that her daughter promise to visit on New Year's Eve. 

Nymphadora had been avoiding her parents for most of the past six months, not wanting them to comment on her outward appearance. They were aware that she had lost her ability to morph, and had assumed this was the result of the spell that had hit her at the Department of Mysteries. She wasn't sure herself what the cause was. Yes, it was after her injury that she'd gradually lost her ability to morph, but it was also at the same time that she learned of Sirius' death, and then that Remus was leaving to go underground to spy on the werewolves and attempt to turn them away from Voldemort. Maybe things would be different if Remus hadn't left, maybe they could have helped each other through their grief, but she'd never know.

It wasn't just her inability to morph that she feared her parents commenting on. She had lost weight, too much weight, and she didn't want her parents bringing this up. These days she had to force herself to eat. Food seemed to have lost its taste, and with every bite she took she thought about whether Remus was eating anything. She had dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep due to constant worrying. Most nights she lay in bed, unable to drift off to the sleep she so desperately needed, because she could only think of where Remus might be and if he were okay. She couldn't put her parents off forever, though, so she tried to make herself look as cheerful as possible before leaving her flat that evening. 

Throughout dinner she did her best to pretend that she was happy, just overworked. She hoped the cheery sounds of the Muggle Christmas records her father played on the phonograph every holiday season would distract her parents enough that they wouldn't ask her too many questions. It seemed Andromeda, however, had something to say.

"You've been avoiding us, Nymphadora."

"No, I've just had so much to do."

"Hmph!" said Ted. "This isn't about Lupin, is it? You're not still moping over him?"

Tonks said nothing.

"Dear, I know you loved him but you've got to get over him. He was a werewolf, for Merlin's sake! Staying with him would have only caused you more pain in the end. I know you don't want to hear it but you have to tell yourself that."

"Mum, I can't just go on like everything's fine when he's out there, going through Merlin knows what! What if something happens to him? He could be dead already for all I know."

Tonks was terrified for Remus, but she was also angry with him. She didn't want her parents knowing this, though, because it would just given them another reason to tell her why she was better off without him. He had been at the Burrow last week and hadn't even bothered to contact her to tell her he was safe. Molly had told her he was going to be there, but she thought he would have been decent enough to come see her first. Surely he must realise how worried she was? And wasn't he concerned about her? She had no doubt word had got to him that she hadn't regained her ability to morph. But it had been Molly, not Remus, who'd owled her to tell her he had arrived safely. It was obvious he didn't want to see her and she had no desire for a confrontation in front of the Weasleys, so she declined Molly's invitation for Christmas dinner.

Damn him! Did he really think just because he'd broken up with her and told her to forget about him that she could turn her feelings off? That she could move on and act as if he had never existed? She had been shocked when he'd ended their relationship, but eventually the shock had turned to frustration and anger. She knew he loved her and that he was just doing this out of some misguided sense of nobility. He'll come around, she'd thought. After all, he had been first to say 'I love you' and he was not one to say it casually. Now, however, she was beginning to think that his going underground was just a convenient excuse for him to run from his fears. He'd never seemed to be able to believe that she wasn't going to leave someday. A part of her felt that he had only done it because he was certain, in his mind, that it was going to happen anyway, and he wanted to be in control of the situation.

As mad as she was at what he had done, she couldn't stop loving him. Who could he turn to for help? Remus was strong, but he didn't belong there, living among werewolves who shunned wizarding society, who stole and even killed to get by. The fact of the matter was that he had had as much of a normal life as a child bitten by a werewolf could have. He'd grown up with parents who loved him, he'd been to school, and although he never had much money, he'd never had to steal or kill to eat. To kill, she thought. He was not a killer; how could he survive among them, alone, without a wand, and with no way of contacting anyone from the Order?

She knew her parents didn't really care what happened to Remus. They had been shocked when she'd told them of her relationship with him. She had debated a long time about telling them, but in the end she'd decided that she wasn't going to be able to hide it forever so it was best to get it over with and tell them so they would have time to get used to the idea. Andromeda had done all she could to convince her that she was making a huge mistake. She'd told her that she was too young to really understand love, that this was just infatuation, that she'd realise that eventually. Tonks snorted at that recollection. Too young? Her parents had eloped at eighteen and by the time they were her age, they'd already had a four- year-old daughter.

"Nymphadora? Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah. I don't want to talk about this anymore, mum, okay? Let's have dessert."

She knew her parents wouldn't push her anymore. Years of experience had taught them that it was no use. Dessert came and went and conversation drifted to happier topics. It was so superficial; it was all she could do to pretend she was interested in her parents' mindless chatter about Celestina Warbeck's Christmas broadcast the week before.

As the clock struck midnight, they toasted the new year with Muggle champagne. Her father, being Muggle-born, had grown up with the tradition and didn't think New Year's could be New Year's without it, just as Christmas couldn't be Christmas without playing his Muggle records.

"To a New Year that brings us all happiness," Ted said as he held his glass up.

Soon, her parents were dancing around the room to the sounds of Ted's records.

"Good King Wenceslas looked out on the Feast of Stephen,  
When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even.  
Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel,  
When a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fuel."

What was Remus doing at this very moment? Was he out in that cruel frost or had he found a warm place to sleep? She gazed out the living room window to the quiet, snow-covered garden. The snow shone brightly under the glow of the moon and the lights from the neighbouring houses. The houses were filled with people giddy from celebration. She felt so distanced from them, as though the houses were in some other universe, one that did not reach the front garden of her parents' home. After the events of the past year, the only thing she had felt for a long time was empty, numb, as if she had been sitting out in the snow all night.

But it was now a new year, and the year would bring change. She could only hope that it was change for the better. She closed her eyes and made a wish. Whatever might come in this year, she wished, let Remus make it through.


End file.
